A great amount has gone into the intricate tactics you should adopt when gifting your card to your dog.
Step one – remove all packaging and write your witty message* on the back of your Scoff Paper card.
*Keep it clean, unless you have a particularly foul mouthed dog, who likes that kind of thing.
Step two – take care to place your card neatly into your envelope and seal it.
Step three – if your card is a gift for someone else’s dog, make sure you explain that the envelope is not for eating. We’ve taken measures to write exactly this on the envelope, but y’know.
Step four – saliva will start to pool on the carpet and the card is now ready to be presented to the panting pooch.
Step five – danger ensues – approach the hungry hound and hold the envelope well away from any gaping jaws.
Step six – delicately open the envelope and hold it above your head - imagine it’s a winning lottery ticket.
Step seven – at this point you may want to opt for some chainmail gloves – if medieval armour isn’t just lying around your house, maybe an oven glove will do.
Step eight – still holding the card aloft, read your message out loud for all to hear. If you are doing this in 2020, you are probably live streaming this whole affair to your loved ones, so make sure you are still in camera shot.
Step nine – with your message fully delivered and when everyone has finished having a good chuckle – begin to delicately edge towards your dog, slowly lowering your card-holding arm towards the dog’s baying teeth.
Step ten – panic like mad and throw the card into the clutches of your canine and carefully step back while they devour it.
Step eleven – remember this is not Jurassic park, these are not dinosaurs and they can still see you stood there quivering, whether you’re moving or not.
Step twelve – wait approximately 30 seconds before the entire card is devoured then give your pooch a big cuddle.
Step thirteen – carry on with normal life thereafter.